binding

Sharon murmurs something about being constipated and heads off to the toilet. She returns a few minutes later complaining about "three nuggets and a stench."

a bit odd

Early morning and I sit in my kitchen reading. I hear movement and glance up to see one of my adult sons, dressed only in boxer shorts, stagger sleepily to the kitchen sink. His back and shoulders are smeared with what looks like shit.

Jaques: What's on your back?
Son: Chocolate
Jaques: Eh?
Son: I slept on a chocolate coin
Jaques: Why?

Bemused but relieved that I will not have to help him hunt for a turd in his duvet, I return to my reading and he goes back to his bed. What an odd start to Boxing day.

a bit rich

A's abusive girlfriend describes me as a "bully." Tu quoque.

stating the obvious?

Reading the news I learn that two people are dead in a coach crash in Cornwall. A senior police officer speaks to the media and remarks that " it is a tragedy at this time of year. . ." Does this mean that at any other time it wouldn't be?

cynical I know...

The local newspaper carries a story about a house fire: "Family of six loses everything." The 'hero' is the father, who having "saved" the family, goes back into the burning building to retrieve his mobile phone. He does this, it seems, so that he can ring the fire brigade rather than knock up a neighbour to do it for him. Those of us who know him think it more likely that he braved the flames again because he didn't want to see his drug dealing contacts incinerated along with the phone.

grated cheese

Sharon is cooking chilli and stirs in some grated Parmesan cheese, "my special ingredient" she muses. I tell her it's the dead skin from the feet of Italian men. She tells me to shut up.

a rose by any other name...

My friend S, who is suspended from work, has today found out that her work colleagues are to be disciplined for making contact with her. The memo comes from the abusive manager who suspended S and against whom (strangely enough) she has a grievance for bullying. The irony is not lost on either of us. S, who is the most compassionate person I know, is distraught by the whole matter. In one of her more depressed moments she describes her abuser as a 'tool'. Being out of touch with current street patois I presume this to be play on the word 'genital' (gen-e-tool). Personally, I think he is a cock - and a small one at that.